Before starting, I want to clarify that this is not directed towards anybody in particular. Many people have asked us and commented about our relationship with our birth mom, and this is my way to explain to them how that relationship works. I imagine that there might be many of our friends and relatives who also wonder about this but don’t dare to ask. I hope this helps everybody to understand or, at least, to accept our decision. Thank you.
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When we tell people about our relationship with Gabriel’s birthmother, the reactions are quite consistent. A typical reply is to say, with a surprised or concerned expression, “You let his birth mom see him often?” the reaction is normal and expected. After all, when we first thought about adopting, I didn’t want my child to have any relationship with his birth mom, and that we would be all he or she knew when it came to parents. My fears had mostly to do with my insecurities. I would think that my child one day would want to move with his birth mom, or that she would one day stalk my home while trying to steal my baby back. Or at least that’s what I think my fears were, because since then my opinion has changed so radically that I can’t really remember anymore what I used to think.
When we contacted LDS Family Services, we were invited to a conference where adoptive parents, birth moms, and adoptees would speak. The result what that my eyes were opened when it came to understanding the relationship between an adopted child and his birth mom. In each case, and from every possible angle, generally the healthiest situation for the child is when a natural and honest relationship exists between him and his birth mom. Each adoptee who spoke who happened to know his or her birth mom, said that they had a special place for them in their hearts, but they thought that their true parents were their adoptive ones (that, obviously, is only true when the adoptive parents treat their adoptive children as their own!).
From the experiences we heard, the studies we read, the videos we watched, etc., we took that open adoptions, whenever possible and agreed by both parties, are good in every way. These reasons led us to decide on one.
One of our favorite blogs is written by a lady who is very active in the adoptive circles. She speaks in every adoption conference and retreat we’ve heard about, and she is very educated on the topic. She adopted two children herself, and she has a great, friendly relationship with her birth moms, which has been nothing but good for her, her children, and the birth mothers. That is what I want for my adoptive children.
When we met Gabe’s mom, she told us that the reason why she wanted to place her son for adoption was that, even though she could have raised him herself, with the help of her mom and her sister, she wanted her child to have everything that life could offer him, including a father. Also, she told us that she wanted her son to go to a family that didn’t have children already, so they could also have the opportunity that others have. That, on itself, was the answer to all of my prayers!
Our birth mom also told us that, if possible, she would like to see Gabriel once a year and to get pictures of him once in a while. After all, that’s the minimum that can be asked of an open adoption. Both Megan and I felt that her request was not acceptable, and that she should see Gabe as much as she wanted. We think that the sacrifice she did for her son, and, indirectly, for us, made her into our personal angel on earth. Something else that needs to be made clear is that she didn’t place Gabriel for adoption for her own benefit, but for his benefit. I can’t think of a harder sacrifice than that of a mother purposely losing her child in order to give him a better life. After all, as our birth mom’s friend said, “She didn’t give him up, she gave him more.”
Since Gabriel was born, our birth mom calls us once every 4 to 6 weeks asking if it would be possible to see Gabriel. Meg and I are the ones who call her or go to her house more often. She never forced us to let her see Gabe, nor did she ever come to our house uninvited. She never asked us for anything, even though she had the right to get up to an optional $3000 in expenses, according to the terms of the adoption agency. Honestly, Meg and I couldn’t have asked for a better birth mother, not to mention her family, who supported and assisted her throughout her birth and the whole adoption process. The morning after Gabriel was born, I confessed to her mom my fears that she would change her mind regarding the adoption, and she was the one who told me not to worry, that everything was going to be alright, and was the only one to be there by our side when we needed the most help, as if we were family. I will always be grateful to her for what she did.
Gabriel will always know who his birth mom is, but he will always be our son, and he will never lack the love and security that he deserves and needs. I know that things were done differently in the past, and that it was something of a taboo to talk about adoptive relatives, but that’s not the case anymore. Adoption is a beautiful thing and something to be proud of. A little boy I know who is adopted himself, as well as his four siblings (and who talks about it openly) told me, when he found out that I had adopted a baby, while clasping his hands and grinning from ear to ear “I’m so happy for you, I can’t get over it!”
After all, what would be best for Gabriel: to know from the beginning how his family is made up or to find out when he is a teenager that we’ve been lying about who we are and who that lady who came to visit once a year is?
Again, I understand and appreciate the concerns that many have when it comes to our relationship with our birth mom, but she is our friend and we love her, and we feel we will be indebted to her for the rest of our lives, because she gave us a chance that not even nature gave us, and she will have the right to see Gabriel as often as she wants, as long as we think it appropriate, and, so far, her behavior and her attitude have been nothing less than respectful of our situation as legal parents of our child.
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